Blog by Richard Heagy
Who needs ‘big pharma’ anyway? A hitherto unknown pharmaceutical company incorporated in one of the lesser-known tax haven islands in the Coral Sea (east of Australia) today filed an application with the United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for approval of its new drug PERSONA. Extracts from the filing are as follows.
BENEFITS: Relief for persons with irritable personalities. Does everyone think that you are a jerk—even your own mother? Our new miracle drug will make you as lovable as a cute panda.
INGREDIENTS: Panda urine extracted from the bark of pine trees where pandas have relieved themselves, combined with three common herbs frequently found in your kitchen.
EDITOR’s COMMENT: Although naming the herbs is not likely to allow you to replicate PERSONA, disclosure might give the impression that the new miracle drug was excessively priced.
SIDE EFFECTS (also sometimes called severe adverse reactions):
Blindness (usually temporary)
Blurred vision (no worse than after a few too many drinks)
Constipation (you have probably had this before anyway)
Frequent craving to eat bamboo shoots (avoid using chopsticks in Chinese restaurants)
Itching (could be anywhere or everywhere)
Loss of balance (more common with left-handed persons)
Nausea (stay close to the toilet)
Numbness (usually in the feet and nose)
Rash (sometimes resembling a Spotted Sandpiper or similar bird, but the spots are red)
Risk of falling and bone fractures (try to land on your ass, not your hands)
Shortness of breath
Vomiting (carry a large plastic bag while taking PERSONA)
EDITOR’s COMMENT: If you carry a plastic bag while walking your dog, don’t forget to bring an extra bag for yourself.
OTHER SIDE EFFECTS:
Farting during sex