Satire Sketch

A Pot to Piss In – an interview with Berne

Blog by Richard Heagy

BERNIE: Well, young man, I am very glad you came out to hear me today.

(He reaches out and shakes the YOUNG MAN’s hand)

YOUNG MAN: I didn’t have nothin’ else to do. All they got on TV right now is reruns.

BERNIE: Nevertheless, I am glad you came.

YOUNG MAN: Whatever!

(Looks at his watch)

BERNIE: You are not in a hurry to get back to work, are you?

YOUNG MAN: No. I got laid off at the factory

BERNIE (looking sympathetic): I am sorry to hear that.

YOUNG MAN: It was a crappy job anyway.

BERNIE: Long hours, minimum wage, and no benefits I suppose.

YOUNG MAN: Yeah, but it doesn’t matter. The owner just up and closed the factory.

BERNIE: How much notice did you get?

YOUNG MAN: None. We all showed up yesterday morning and found a padlock on the gate.

BERNIE (a look of disbelief): That’s it?

YOUNG MAN: No. There was a cardboard sign: “Moved to Mexico.”

BERNIE (pointing his finger and shaking his hand): That is what I have been talking about—moving manufacturing jobs out of the U.S.

YOUNG MAN: That’s not it.

BERNIE (vigorously): You know who is to blame, Wall Street.

YOUNG MAN: No, it’s the owner.

BERNIE (wagging his finger back and forth in disagreement): Nonsense; I tell you it is Wall Street.

YOUNG MAN: You don’t understand.

BERNIE (holding up a finger): Oh, but I do. Everything is Wall Street’s fault.

YOUNG MAN: You’ve got it all wrong.

BERNIE: Well, almost everything is Wall Street’s fault.

YOUNG MAN: They didn’t move the factory to Mexico.

BERNIE (puzzled): I thought you said they did.

YOUNG MAN: No. The owner closed the factory and he moved to Mexico.

BERNIE: Where did he move the factory?

YOUNG MAN: He didn’t. He just closed it and took off with the foreman’s wife to Mexico. I guess it’s cheaper to live there.

BERNIE (shrugs): You see; it’s still Wall Street’s fault.

YOUNG MAN: If you say so.

BERNIE (looking eager): Are you registered to vote?

YOUNG MAN: Yes. I’m an independent.

BERNIE (rubbing his hands together): Excellent.

YOUNG MAN: Just like my dad…

BERNIE (to himself): Looks like another vote.

YOUNG MAN: And my grandfather.

BERNIE: He still votes?


BERNIE (sincerely, nodding his head): Admirable. How old is he?

YOUNG MAN: Oh, he died about five years ago.

BERNIE: Did I hear you right?

YOUNG MAN: Lots of dead people still vote in this county.

BERNIE: I hope no one continues to collect their Social Security benefits.

YOUNG MAN: Wouldn’t surprise me.

BERNIE (looking serious): Young man, what can I do to convince you to vote for me?

YOUNG MAN: Well, I don’t know.

BERNIE (hopefully): Free college?

YOUNG MAN: You still got to study.

BERNIE (frowning): Maybe you would prefer a trade school.

YOUNG MAN: Sounds like too much work.

BERNIE: Do you need free housing?

YOUNG MAN: I live with my dad.

BERNIE (thoughtful): Do you smoke? Maybe you are in favour of relaxing the regulation of certain …

YOUNG MAN: Whoa. I don’t smoke nothin’. If I did, my old man would kick me clear across the river and into the next county.

BERNIE (again, hopefully): What about health insurance?

YOUNG MAN: My dad is a veterinarian. He fixes me up when I get sick.

BERNIE (puzzled): Is there anything you need?

YOUNG MAN: Just a pot to piss in.

BERNIE: You don’t have one?

YOUNG MAN: No. We live outside of town and have to use the outhouse behind the house.

BERNIE (pointing his finger and shaking it vigorously): That’s unacceptable. Every American (without exception) should have a pot to piss in, and maybe a choice of colours. Even in Russia and China, everyone has a pot to piss in.

YOUNG MAN: It’s real inconvenient, especially in the wintertime.

BERNIE: Let me get this straight; all you need from your government is a pot to piss in?

YOUNG MAN: Well no. You can’t just piss in a pot that easy.

BERNIE (wondering): What else do you want?

YOUNG MAN: A six-pack of beer, couple of times a week.

BERNIE (thoughtfully, holding his hands up palms forward): A little unusual, but socialism aims to take care of the needs of all, whatever they may be, from the cradle to the voting booth—I mean the grave.

YOUNG MAN: Is this gonna be free?

BERNIE: Absolutely—free is a synonym for socialism.

YOUNG MAN: What’s a synonym?

BERNIE (seriously): A free college education might do you some good. Are you sure that you don’t want to reconsider?

YOUNG MAN: No thanks.

BERNIE (holding his hands out, palms up): If you say so.

YOUNG MAN: Who is gonna pay for my piss pot and my beer?

BERNIE: The greedy bastards in the top 1%.

YOUNG MAN: That’s great.

BERNIE (enthusiastically): Then, I can count on your vote?

YOUNG MAN: Sure thing.

BERNIE: What about your father?

YOUNG MAN: Will we each get our own pot?

BERNIE: Absolutely.

YOUNG MAN: No problem once I tell my dad we don’t have to piss in the outhouse no more.

BERNIE: Great.

YOUNG MAN: Would you also like my grandfather’s vote?

BERNIE: Thanks, but that is not really necessary.

THE ENDcanstockphoto3058854 - chamber pot

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