Blog by Richard Heagy
BERNIE: Well, young man, I am very glad you came out to hear me today.
(He reaches out and shakes the YOUNG MAN’s hand)
YOUNG MAN: I didn’t have nothin’ else to do. All they got on TV right now is reruns.
BERNIE: Nevertheless, I am glad you came.
YOUNG MAN: Whatever!
(Looks at his watch)
BERNIE: You are not in a hurry to get back to work, are you?
YOUNG MAN: No. I got laid off at the factory
BERNIE (looking sympathetic): I am sorry to hear that.
YOUNG MAN: It was a crappy job anyway.
BERNIE: Long hours, minimum wage, and no benefits I suppose.
YOUNG MAN: Yeah, but it doesn’t matter. The owner just up and closed the factory.
BERNIE: How much notice did you get?
YOUNG MAN: None. We all showed up yesterday morning and found a padlock on the gate.
BERNIE (a look of disbelief): That’s it?
YOUNG MAN: No. There was a cardboard sign: “Moved to Mexico.”
BERNIE (pointing his finger and shaking his hand): That is what I have been talking about—moving manufacturing jobs out of the U.S.
YOUNG MAN: That’s not it.
BERNIE (vigorously): You know who is to blame, Wall Street.
YOUNG MAN: No, it’s the owner.
BERNIE (wagging his finger back and forth in disagreement): Nonsense; I tell you it is Wall Street.
YOUNG MAN: You don’t understand.
BERNIE (holding up a finger): Oh, but I do. Everything is Wall Street’s fault.
YOUNG MAN: You’ve got it all wrong.
BERNIE: Well, almost everything is Wall Street’s fault.
YOUNG MAN: They didn’t move the factory to Mexico.
BERNIE (puzzled): I thought you said they did.
YOUNG MAN: No. The owner closed the factory and he moved to Mexico.
BERNIE: Where did he move the factory?
YOUNG MAN: He didn’t. He just closed it and took off with the foreman’s wife to Mexico. I guess it’s cheaper to live there.
BERNIE (shrugs): You see; it’s still Wall Street’s fault.
YOUNG MAN: If you say so.
BERNIE (looking eager): Are you registered to vote?
YOUNG MAN: Yes. I’m an independent.
BERNIE (rubbing his hands together): Excellent.
YOUNG MAN: Just like my dad…
BERNIE (to himself): Looks like another vote.
YOUNG MAN: And my grandfather.
BERNIE: He still votes?
YOUNG MAN: Yes.
BERNIE (sincerely, nodding his head): Admirable. How old is he?
YOUNG MAN: Oh, he died about five years ago.
BERNIE: Did I hear you right?
YOUNG MAN: Lots of dead people still vote in this county.
BERNIE: I hope no one continues to collect their Social Security benefits.
YOUNG MAN: Wouldn’t surprise me.
BERNIE (looking serious): Young man, what can I do to convince you to vote for me?
YOUNG MAN: Well, I don’t know.
BERNIE (hopefully): Free college?
YOUNG MAN: You still got to study.
BERNIE (frowning): Maybe you would prefer a trade school.
YOUNG MAN: Sounds like too much work.
BERNIE: Do you need free housing?
YOUNG MAN: I live with my dad.
BERNIE (thoughtful): Do you smoke? Maybe you are in favour of relaxing the regulation of certain …
YOUNG MAN: Whoa. I don’t smoke nothin’. If I did, my old man would kick me clear across the river and into the next county.
BERNIE (again, hopefully): What about health insurance?
YOUNG MAN: My dad is a veterinarian. He fixes me up when I get sick.
BERNIE (puzzled): Is there anything you need?
YOUNG MAN: Just a pot to piss in.
BERNIE: You don’t have one?
YOUNG MAN: No. We live outside of town and have to use the outhouse behind the house.
BERNIE (pointing his finger and shaking it vigorously): That’s unacceptable. Every American (without exception) should have a pot to piss in, and maybe a choice of colours. Even in Russia and China, everyone has a pot to piss in.
YOUNG MAN: It’s real inconvenient, especially in the wintertime.
BERNIE: Let me get this straight; all you need from your government is a pot to piss in?
YOUNG MAN: Well no. You can’t just piss in a pot that easy.
BERNIE (wondering): What else do you want?
YOUNG MAN: A six-pack of beer, couple of times a week.
BERNIE (thoughtfully, holding his hands up palms forward): A little unusual, but socialism aims to take care of the needs of all, whatever they may be, from the cradle to the voting booth—I mean the grave.
YOUNG MAN: Is this gonna be free?
BERNIE: Absolutely—free is a synonym for socialism.
YOUNG MAN: What’s a synonym?
BERNIE (seriously): A free college education might do you some good. Are you sure that you don’t want to reconsider?
YOUNG MAN: No thanks.
BERNIE (holding his hands out, palms up): If you say so.
YOUNG MAN: Who is gonna pay for my piss pot and my beer?
BERNIE: The greedy bastards in the top 1%.
YOUNG MAN: That’s great.
BERNIE (enthusiastically): Then, I can count on your vote?
YOUNG MAN: Sure thing.
BERNIE: What about your father?
YOUNG MAN: Will we each get our own pot?
YOUNG MAN: No problem once I tell my dad we don’t have to piss in the outhouse no more.
YOUNG MAN: Would you also like my grandfather’s vote?
BERNIE: Thanks, but that is not really necessary.