SATIRE and MORE » July 2017

Monthly Archives: July 2017

Farce Humour Satire

PIG SHIT and MOONSHINE – an Alternative Fuel?

Published by:

Blog by Richard Heagy

SCENE: United States Department of Energy, Washington, D.C., office of Rick Perry, Energy Secretary.

(The telephone rings and PERRY answers)

CALLER: Rick Perry?

PERRY: Yeah.

CALLER: This is Al.

PERRY: Al who?

CALLER: Al Gore.

PERRY: I’ve heard the name somewhere.

GORE: Former Vice President of the United States, Nobel Peace Prize winner, as well as a Grammy Award and an Academy Award.

PERRY: I was just kidding.

GORE: I recently saw your interview online with the Prime Minister of the Ukraine.

PERRY: Rather embarrassing.

GORE: The most interesting part was making fuel with a mix of home-brewed alcohol and pig manure based on an invention by the Ukrainian President.

PERRY: You don’t have to remind me. I wish people would forget about it.

GORE: Well, you’re lucky that there’s one person who did not forget.

PERRY: Who is that?

GORE: A pig farmer in Tennessee.

PERRY: Are you sure you are Al Gore?

GORE: Absolutely. Ask me anything about climate change and global warming.

PERRY (to himself): Oh God, if I let him start on global warming I’ll be on the phone for hours.

(PERRY looks at his watch)

PERRY (to GORE): That’s OK. I believe you. You said something about a pig farmer.

GORE: Yes. He has a son at MIT.

PERRY: Good for him.

GORE: That’s the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

PERRY: I know that.

GORE: You’ll never guess what his major is.

PERRY: Probably not.

GORE: Chemistry.

PERRY: That’s a great story – Son of an American pig farmer gets a degree in chemistry at MIT.

GORE: That’s not the story.

PERRY: What is it, then?

GORE: The son came home for summer vacation and of course had to help out on the pig farm. The rest of the time he was on the internet or his smart phone. He saw your interview with the Prime Minister of the Ukraine and showed it to his father.

PERRY: You mean the interview with the fake Prime Minister of the Ukraine.

GORE: Of course, but the farmer asked his son if it was possible to make fuel out of moonshine and pig shit.

PERRY: Obviously not.

GORE: Wrong.

PERRY: Wrong?

GORE: The farmer has a cabin in the mountains in Tennessee and outside is an old-fashioned still where he makes moonshine.

PERRY: Is that legal?

GORE: Only if you have the right licenses.

PERRY: I take it that he doesn’t.

GORE: We’ll skip over that for now.

PERRY: Where is this going?

GORE: It’s going to help the environment and make somebody rich.

PERRY: You mean the pig farmer?

GORE: No, his son the inventor.

PERRY: Don’t tell me that he can produce fuel by mixing moonshine with pig shit.

GORE: He’s done it.

PERRY: Then I guess anybody can do it.

GORE: Not at all. He tested mixing different kinds of moonshine from all over Tennessee with pig shit from his father’s farm, but nothing worked except when he used the moonshine from his father’s still. The local water has something to do with it.

PERRY: How much has he produced?

GORE: Not that much. He needs a grant of about $250,000 to produce more fuel and do proper testing, enlarge the still and get the proper licenses.

PERRY: You mean a grant from the Department of Energy.

GORE: That’s why I’m calling.

PERRY: Thanks to the President, our research grant programs have been suspended and may be terminated.

GORE: All of them?

PERRY: I’m not sure.

GORE: Just think; if this is a success it will make monkeys out of all those people who laughed at you because of the fake telephone interview.

PERRY: That would be nice, very nice.

GORE: $250,000 is not that much when you think about the overall benefits to the world.

PERRY: That’s true. Maybe I could squeeze the money from somewhere in the budget, but I need to see some evidence that this is a viable project and inspect the still and understand the process.

GORE: The still has to be expanded but you can see it in operation, and meet the farmer and his son.

PERRY: What are the names of the farmer and his son?

GORE: Not over the phone, with the number of leaks in Washington these days.

PERRY: Of course not. What was I thinking?

GORE: I don’t want to mention the name of the area or the airport so I will have tickets delivered to your office, for your signature only. Will Saturday work?

PERRY: Absolutely.

(On Saturday morning PERRY takes an early flight on a propeller airplane to a small town in Tennessee, where he is met by the FARMER in a pickup truck. They drive for a half hour or so until they arrive at the farm, located at the end of a dirt road in a wooded area with rolling hills)

PERRY: Where’s GORE?

FARMER: He’s inside.

(Once inside PERRY meets the FARMER’s son, the CHEMIST, and they find GORE in the kitchen)

GORE: Glad you could make it. I see you have already met the CHEMIST.

PERRY: You look a bit different from the last time I saw your photos. Your beard and mustache are a little longer but it looks like you lost some weight.

GORE: Yes, but not easy.

FARMER: Shall we take a look around the farm? You might want to take off your shoes first and wear some boots.

(Now wearing boots, they tour the farm, see pigs foraging in the woods, and learn how pig shit is collected)

CHEMIST: I guess you would like to view the still now?

PERRY: Yes, I want to take a look.

(They hike through the woods, with the trees getting closer together, until they come to a run-down looking log cabin. The still is outside, behind the log cabin and the CHEMIST demonstrates how it works; then they go inside the log cabin)

PERRY (to CHEMIST): I want to understand how this conversion process works.

CHEMIST (to PERRY): Taste this.

(The CHEMIST hands PERRY a Mason jar of moonshine. PERRY tastes it and reacts)

PERRY: Quite strong.

CHEMIST (to PERRY): Take a whiff of this.

(The CHEMIST holds a small container of pig shit up to PERRY’s nose, and PERRY jumps back. The CHEMIST mixes some moonshine with pig shit and places it into a strange looking machine, which begins to turn inside and emit strange noises)

FARMER: This takes a while. Why don’t you city folks sit down and we’ll have something to eat.

(They sit on benches at a wooden table as the FARMER prepares and serves breakfast—eggs over easy, grits with gravy, hash-browns and Spam. The CHEMIST offers GORE and PERRY a glass of moonshine, but PERRY politely refuses)

PERRY: Thanks, but I’ve got to keep a clear head to verify this process. Black coffee would be good, though.

(They take their time eating and finish just as the machine makes a loud noise and shuts off. The CHEMIST then extracts a strange looking liquid—the fuel—and places it into a small air compressor to demonstrate that the fuel works)

CHEMIST: Satisfied?

PERRY: Seems like it works, but obviously it needs to be tested on a larger scale.

CHEMIST: We’ll start immediately when we get the Department of Energy’s grant.

(The CHEMIST gives PERRY instructions on where to send the funds, c/o the FARMER, addressed to general delivery at the nearest post office. Later, the CHEMIST drives GORE and PERRY to the airport in the FARMER’s truck. PERRY departs for Washington and GORE excuses himself as he has a later flight to a different location)

GORE: That went rather well.

CHEMIST: Yes. You did a fine job impersonating Al Gore.

GORE: Well, I have been acting for many years and I do bear a resemblance to Al Gore.

CHEMIST: Please thank the casting agency.

GORE: Are you really majoring in chemistry major at MIT?

CHEMIST: Chemistry was my high school major. Now I am working as a magician.

GORE: You certainly did a fine job with the demonstration.

CHEMIST: We’ll split the money three ways when it arrives.

(PERRY thankfully gets off the shaky prop airplane and walks through the terminal in Washington. Everyone seems to be in a hurry and a tall clean-shaven man bumps into him)

PERRY: You look kind of like Al Gore, without the beard and mustache.

GENTLEMAN: I am Al Gore.

PERRY (slapping his forehead): Oh shit.

GENTLEMAN: Excuse me?

THE END

Humour Legal Satire

MONKEY SELFIE UPDATE – Naruto v. Slater

Published by:

Updated Blog by Richard Heagy

Naruto: I want my royalties!

Naruto v. David Slater, the topic and inspiration for the original December 2016 blog “ENOUGH ABOUT MONKEY SELFIES”, has recently come back to life as the appeal to the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals by PETA as “Next Friend” of Naruto, so says PETA, has just been heard by a panel of three appellate court judges. For those interested, the hearing may be viewed online at [https://www.ca9.uscourts.gov/media/view_video.php?pk_vid=0000011923]. As previously reported Dr. Antje Engelhardt dropped out as one of Naruto’s Next Friends on May 4, 2016, leaving only PETA listed as Next Friend on appeal, the status of which was questioned during the hearing.

By now, everyone who doesn’t live in a cave must have heard of the famous monkey selfie lawsuit – Naruto v. Slater. For those who do live in a cave here is a very brief summary. PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) filed a lawsuit in San Francisco in 2015 for copyright violation against British photographer David Slater et. al. for damages on behalf of a monkey dubbed ‘Naruto’, claiming that Slater does not own the copyright to Naruto’s photo as it is a selfie taken by the monkey. The case was dismissed by the District Court in 2016 and appealed by PETA. The appeal was finally heard by a three-judge panel of the 9th Circuit last week (July 12, 2017) and copyright lawyers around the world are sitting on the edge of their chairs awaiting the decision.

In the meantime other strange things have happened. On May 30, 2017 a Request FOR JUDICIAL NOTICE was filed with the Court of Appeals in which EXHIBIT A included a copy of a COMPLAINT-SUMMONS for criminal trespass in the state of New Jersey stating that one Antje Engelhardt on 4/22/2017 had rung the doorbell of the residence of PETA attorney Jeffrey Kerr, who told her to leave the premises, after which she walked into the backyard of the residence. Perhaps she has spent too much time walking wherever she wants in the jungles of Indonesia in the company of monkeys, or maybe Jeffrey Kerr has spent too much time representing monkeys and doesn’t want to talk about them. The COMPLAINT-SUMMONS ironically refers to an intent to harass another or cause annoyance or alarm, something that PETA would never do, aside from suing a British photographer in a court almost half way around the world (San Francisco) in what appears to be an attempt to gain publicity with a ridiculous theory that animals can own copyrights.

BREAKING NEWS!

MONKEY’S PETITION BEFORE the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals

In an unusual move the 9th Circuit has allowed a last minute petition to be heard in-camera prior to rendering its judgment. The proceeding is not available online as it was held in-camera with members of the public and press barred. Don’t ask how we got it.

***

Three serious looking appellate judges for the 9th Circuit sit behind a long bench in a small courtroom in the James R. Browning U.S. Courthouse in San Francisco, California, all dressed in black and looking perplexed. At a table nearby are seated the petitioner and the petitioner’s representative.

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: May it please the court…

CHIEF JUDGE: You haven’t introduced yourself.

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: I’m sorry Your Honor. My name is Raja.

ASSOCIATE JUDGE: Are you authorized to practice law before this court?

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: No, Your Honor but I came a long way just to be here and it looks like I got here just in time. It took three months.

ASSOCIATE JUDGE: Three months?

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: Yes. NARUTO and I live in Indonesia.

ASSOCIATE JUDGE: Why didn’t you fly?

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: They wouldn’t let us through airport security, so we took a banana boat. The ride was not very smooth and they ran out of bananas two days before we arrived.

ASSOCIATE JUDGE: While I appreciate that you had a long journey, you are not authorized to practice law in the United States.

VISITING JUDGE: This appeal involves an unusual application of copyright law and I think we should make an exception in this case. I myself did travel across the country to be here so I can appreciate what the PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE and the PETITIONER must have endured.

ASSOCIATE JUDGE (to PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE): Are you a lawyer in Indonesia?

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: Not at present.

ASSOCIATE JUDGE: You mean that you are a retired lawyer?

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: No.

ASSOCIATE JUDGE: Then you must be licensed to practice law in some other country.

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: I’m afraid not.

ASSOCIATE JUDGE: Then what makes you qualified to represent the PETITIONER?

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: I’m a mahout.

ASSOCIATE JUDGE: What’s that?

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: A trainer of elephants. I worked in Thailand for many years training elephants to perform in an elephant orchestra, but had to take early retirement because of disability when one of the elephants stepped on my foot. Then I moved back to Indonesia and began helping with monkeys. That’s how I got to know NARUTO, even better than Dr. Antje Engelhardt.

VISITING JUDGE: Are you able to communicate with NARUTO?

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: Definitely.

ASSOCIATE JUDGE: I suppose that you and NARUTO are on a first-named basis.

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: Don’t be ridiculous.

ASSOCIATE JUDGE: This whole lawsuit has been ridiculous from the start.

CHIEF JUDGE: Be that as it may, we may as well proceed.

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: I would like to present NARUTO’s objections to the way the case has been handled.

VISITING JUDGE: You mean the objections that you have on NARUTO’s behalf.

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: Not at all. NARUTO has made his objections known to me.

ASSOCIATE JUDGE: This, I gotta see.

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: You will, but first I wish to demonstrate that NARUTO is capable of manipulating a camera and taking his own selfies unassisted by anyone.

(PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE motions to NARUTO, who stands and moves several feet away. PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE reaches into his briefcase and pulls out a digital camera; then tosses the camera into the air for NARUTO to catch. NARUTO starts playing with the camera and pushes the shutter every so often, alternating between smiles and frowns)

CHIEF JUDGE (to PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE): Our time is limited, so please proceed.

(PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE unsuccessfully tries to take the camera away from NARUTO. He then pulls a banana from his briefcase and tosses it into the air. NARUTO drops the camera in favor of the banana)

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: I would like each of you to look at the photos stored in the camera.

(PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE hands the camera to the Judge on the left who takes a look and passes the camera along to the other Judges)

ASSOCIATE JUDGE: I don’t see any selfies? These are just poor shots, mostly out of focus.

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: Of course. Most of the selfies shot on David Slater’s camera were not worthy of publication, but I have just demonstrated that NARUTO is capable of using a camera to take selfies. If enough photos are taken eventually a good one will result as in the case at hand.

CHIEF JUDGE: Assuming that NARUTO took the selfie that is the subject of this case, what is it that you are seeking?

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: I would like to present NARUTO’s objections to PETA’s representation as his NEXT FRIEND.

CHIEF JUDGE: What are they?

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: I would like to question NARUTO.

(The Judges look at each other and shake their heads. PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE takes NARUTO by the hand and leads him to a seat up front)

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: NARUTO, I would like to ask you a few questions.

(NARUTO jumps up and down in the chair and makes faces at the Judges. PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE hands NARUTO another banana to calm him down)

ASSOCIATE JUDGE: Am I dreaming?

VISITING JUDGE: No, but this is not any more ridiculous than the copyright issue involved.

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: NARUTO, do you wish to have PETA represent you as NEXT FRIEND?

(NARUTO responds with a negative answer by shaking his head back and forth)

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: Why is that?

(NARUTO makes a face and tosses the banana peel across the room. PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE picks it up and tosses it into a nearby wastebasket. He then opens his wallet and extracts a ten dollar bill, which he hands to NARUTO, who examines it closely)

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: It’s about the money, isn’t it?

(NARUTO nods his head to indicate ‘yes’)

VISITING JUDGE (to PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE): You are leading the witness.

ASSOCIATE JUDGE: In addition, the witness is merely shaking his head in response to your questions, not actually answering them.

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: That is no problem. NARUTO, please answer my questions instead of just shaking your head, okay?

(NARUTO nods his head in agreement)

ASSOCIATE JUDGE: I suppose NARUTO speaks both Indonesian and English.

(The ASSOCIATE JUDGE, amused, hits the table with his fist so hard that his coffee cup spills over)

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: Only English.

ASSOCIATE JUDGE: Did he learn English in high school in Indonesia?

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: Of course not. NARUTO learned English during his three month voyage on the banana boat. One of the crew was a former teacher of English as a second language.

CHIEF JUDGE (to PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE): Let’s stop wasting time. Proceed with your questions.

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE (to NARUTO): NARUTO, do you wish to have PETA represent you as NEXT FRIEND?

NARUTO (speaking English with an unusual accent): Where is Dr. Engelhardt?

(The three Judges react with astonishment)

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: I am sorry to tell you that Dr. Engelhardt is no longer participating as a NEXT FRIEND in this appeal.

NARUTO: Bollocks.

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: Please, NARUTO, you must be more respectful in Court.

NARUTO: Sorry.

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: I ask you again, do you wish to have PETA represent you as NEXT FRIEND?

NARUTO: No.

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: Why is that?

NARUTO: They plan to spend my royalties on me and my relatives and other macaques in the community and their habitat.

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: What’s wrong with that?

NARUTO: It’s my money, mine, only mine.

VISITING JUDGE: That’s a valid point, assuming that NARUTO owns the copyright to his selfie. If PETA, or anyone, were to be appointed by the Court to collect NARUTO’s royalties, it would create a fiduciary relationship and the money would have to be held in trust strictly for the benefit of NARUTO.

ASSOCIATE JUDGE: I agree, purely from a theoretical viewpoint. Spending trust funds on other monkeys would be a violation of fiduciary duty.

CHIEF JUDGE: That certainly is a valid concern and will be taken into account.

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE (to NARUTO): Do you have any more objections?

NARUTO: I don’t want to pay some agent 10% to collect my royalties or 33% to any lawyers.

ASSOCIATE JUDGE (to NARUTO): That may be of concern to you, but it is not relevant to whether or not PETA should continue to represent you as NEXT FRIEND in this appeal.

(The ASSOCIATE JUDGE slaps himself on the forehead)

ASSOCIATE JUDGE: I don’t believe this. I am talking to a monkey.

NARUTO: I’m a macaque, not a monkey.

CHIEF JUDGE (to PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE): Any more questions?

PETITIONER’s REPRESENTATIVE: No, that is all.

ASSOCIATE JUDGE (to CHIEF JUDGE): I hope the record of this hearing will be sealed.

CHIEF JUDGE: We will take into account today’s testimony in reaching a decision, but the record of this hearing will definitely be sealed.

VISITING JUDGE: Thank God. If this ever got out.…

THE END

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Other

A Fan for All Seasons

Published by:

Blog by Edward Sherman

A wise man once asked the rhetorical question, “Why are sports so important?” And his answer: “Because they are so unimportant”. Never were truer words spoken. It is why so many find the escape into the world of sports to be such a comfort – a time to leave behind the worries and stresses of the real world, of the things that can truly affect us.

I’m a lucky guy, lucky enough to live in a city that has a team for each of the major sports: Baseball, Basketball, Football and Hockey. (My apologies to Soccer or “Futbol”. A fine sport, probably the most popular in the world, but this is America we’re talking about). *And currently, as I am writing, it’s hockey that consumes me; a beautiful game full of grace, speed and power; a fluid ballet of men in constant motion, bonded together as one unit with a single goal (pun intended) in mind. And last night was no exception, a thoroughly enjoyable affair, a tight back and forth contest, typical of the National Hockey League. It was a great way to cap off my evening – even though a late missed call by an official probably cost us the win (and me a friendly side wager). That aside, the point is how much pleasure I derived from watching the game itself – though, to be honest, I did have a little trouble sleeping afterwards (I tried Melatonin to no avail). And, as for the officials, that “human element” can actually add to the game, giving it a certain dramatic uncertainty – a kind of courtroom drama element that keeps one emotionally engaged, especially when the games have playoff implications (or monetary ones). And those verdicts can bring great releases of those emotions. (I need to explain that to my neighbor, who left a note under my door to please keep the noise down – I did feel bad about that as they have children… And apparently, I yelled some rather unflattering things about Canadians, which I also feel bad about). But the human element is part of the game – Of course, we lost in the playoffs last year because of the “human element” and then the so-called “experts” went on to claim my team choked. Because of that, I couldn’t watch the sports channel for weeks. But I digress…

I am fortunate; when one season ends (no matter how or why) I am able to move on to the next which, after hockey, is baseball, our national pastime. I like the pastoral pace. It may seem slow to the kids today but, once you’re plugged into the nuances of the game and can appreciate the game within the game, it allows you to see the strategy involved, and you find yourself managing along with the team’s real manager, like playing chess alongside a master. Very cerebral. For instance, one fateful October we were up, 1-0, in a must win playoff game, needing only one more out, but our pitcher was tiring. He walked the next batter, the potential tying run. Our manager was left with a big decision, leave him in or take him out? Personally I thought, “LEAVE HIM IN! FOR GOD’S SAKE, LEAVE HIM IN!” Of course, no one really cared what I thought. The question was, what would the real manager do, a baseball “lifer”, the years in the sport chiseled into his stoic, sun-baked face? The baseball world awaited his decision (As did a few people I knew outside the baseball world who also used bats on occasion in their line of work). And..? He decided to take him out. And..? The other team came back, tied the game, and won it in extra innings. Of course, in no way am I suggesting I could have done a better job, and that his move was what the less enlightened fan might call, “boneheaded”. No, the point was how much fun I had playing along. You can get very involved. (That was what I wrote by way of apology to my neighbor who, it was becoming increasingly clear, was not a sports fan… Also, I apparently yelled some rather unflattering things about Mexicans, which I regret). It was an exciting game nonetheless, although I recall having a little trouble sleeping that night (I tried Ambien to no avail). We went on to lose the series and I had to hear how my team choked. I couldn’t watch the sports channel for weeks. But, again, I digress…

When the baseball season comes to a close football is already in full swing. And in America football is king. Each game is an event, each team plays only once a week, and each regular season has only sixteen games – as opposed to the one hundred and sixty-two of baseball and the eighty-two of both basketball and hockey. The math alone tells you that each football game has the impact of ten baseball games or five basketball or hockey games. So you listen to sports talk radio all week, especially if you’re playing a rival, and plan your Sunday around the game – or if it’s a really big game it might take place on a Sunday, Monday or even Thursday night. It’s even more exciting when that happens. Of course, the last time we were on at night we got knocked out of playoff contention – an easy field goal was somehow shanked. (Frankly, I thought the official froze our kicker by not putting down the ball in a timely manner. Hmmm…?). Needless to say, I didn’t sleep well that night – a mixture of Melatonin and Ambien was of no help. And of course, I had to hear how my team choked and then I couldn’t watch the sports channel for weeks. Anywho…

Finally, there’s basketball. The speed and athleticism are almost otherworldly; the dunks are spectacular; the passing can be Globetrotter-like, and the shooting is better than it’s ever been. And with the advent of the three-point shot no lead is safe… as I learned during the playoffs. Frankly, I didn’t understand some of the moves our coach made (Was he trying to lose the game? Hmmm..?) And as for the officiating… I guess the less said the better (But I could swear I saw one of them look in the stands and touch the side of his nose after a particularly bad call). On a whim, I decided to watch some of last season’s playoffs at a local Tavern while wearing a fake beard and moustache. Sometimes one just wants to be alone amongst a crowd, especially when that crowd contains someone with a heavy Russian accent that keeps asking about you. But that’s neither here nor there…

The point is how much sports can enrich one’s life (maybe not monetarily). They can make us better people. It is a fact that during especially big games crime is at a low in the participating towns or cities. People volunteer more; getting through to the suicide hotline is never easier. And despite our differences, even my neighbors showed great compassion when they thought they heard weeping after my team was recently eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs. I assured them that it was my dog baying at the moon and not me. True, I didn’t have a dog at the time. But I didn’t want to concern them. So, out of consideration, I bought one the next day and taught him how to bay at the moon. But most of all, sports are important because they are so unimportant. I doubt there are many other events that can unite a city more. It can bring people closer – sometimes within the reach of one another’s fists. And that’s the point. We rant, we cheer, and we get frustrated and exhilarated. And the next morning the sun still rises. Nothing has really changed. Nothing ever changes. Goddamn it! I watch, we lose, I can’t sleep. My teams choke and I can’t watch the goddamn sports channel for weeks. And now I find myself being evicted, wearing a wire and sleeping with a gun under my pillow (which has actually helped). But I do love my sports. God help me I love them so. I am a fan for all seasons.

THE END

*Written during the brutal end of the hockey season

Humour Satire

EU SUPER-STATE – EVER CLOSER UNION

Published by:

Blog by Richard Heagy

PROPOSED REGULATIONS

 

Too many politicians are listening to their national opinion. And if you are listening to your national opinion you are not developing what should be a common European sense and feeling of the need to put together efforts. We have too many part-time Europeans.  – Jean-Clod Junker, President of the European Commission

PREAMBLE:

In order to preserve unity, accelerate EU integration and eliminate national identity, the following regulations will be proposed for individuals and companies in the EU.

WORDS AND PHRASES CONSIDERED UNPATRIOTIC TO THE EU, THOUGH NOT ILLEGAL:

Borders

Individuality

Nationalism

National governments

Populism

Public opinion

Sovereignty

COMMON LANGUAGE REQUIREMENTS:

German will be the official language of the ever closer European Union.

Newspapers, magazines, TV commercials and outdoor signs must be only in German.

National languages of member states may not be spoken in public from January 1st.

The same rules apply to live or recorded music in public places.

CAUTION: Languages other than German may NOT be spoken in private homes if the windows are open as the prohibited languages may be heard outside; no exceptions will be made in hot weather when air conditioning is not working.

ANOTHER CAUTION: This applies to music played in your home, so keep the volume down.

LABELLING OF PRODUCTS:

All products produced or manufactured in the European Union must state their origin as the EU, not the country or region where produced or manufactured.

RENAMING OF NATIONAL FOOD DISHES:

The following are examples that must be renamed to remove national or regional identity on labels, menus, recipes, etc. The list of examples will be expanded from time to time, as is our custom.

Belgian Waffles

Chicken Milano

Dutch Chocolate

Greek Lemon Chicken

Hungarian Goulash

Irish stew

Italian Spaghetti Sauce

Norwegian Salmon

Spanish omelet

Swedish Meatballs

EXCEPTIONS: Brussels sprouts

REPORTING VIOLATIONS:

We expect everyone to be a good EU citizen and follow the regulations once implemented. Further regulations are under consideration for reporting violations by friends, neighbors or family members.

END

Editor’s Note: Any misspelling of names is purely intentional.